


My Struggle

by hallwayperson



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode: s10e01 My Struggle, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:44:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11298489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallwayperson/pseuds/hallwayperson
Summary: Written because I was rewatching season 10 and didn't like it. Initially, I wanted to write 12 letters but I'm not sure I'm going to do that. It's not really letters as much as it's diary entries because they don't send them.





	My Struggle

**Author's Note:**

> Written because I was rewatching season 10 and didn't like it. Initially, I wanted to write 12 letters but I'm not sure I'm going to do that. It's not really letters as much as it's diary entries because they don't send them.

_Dear Scully, my Scully. **  
**_

_I saw you._

_You have no idea how many times I’ve written your name down on a piece of paper to make you seem more real, to obliterate the longing for a little moment. Now, it’s not to obliterate anything, it’s just to keep you closer. I wanted to kiss you when I saw you today. I wanted us to fall back into character. I wanted us to be us again - just us. I didn’t want us to meet because of the files or because of some disillusioned douche bag, I didn’t want to dredge up the past. I didn’t want to cause you pain. God knows, there’s been enough of that._

_Dana Katherine Scully._

_I just like the sound of your name. It makes me infinitely better to write and to say it. Scully, Scully, Scully. Scullyscullyscully. I’ve missed us. I’ve missed being in your presence and I’ve missed the parts of myself only you seem to bring out. I am homesick for a place I can never stay because of the chains I’ve put myself in. I never did let you in, and I can only blame myself for that. I blame myself for the years of your life I never got to witness. I blame myself for the selfishness that blinded me so horribly. For all those years you put up with me._

_All I know is that it hasn’t been easy for me, so it pains me to think about how it must have been for you._

_After all, you are still my light in the darkness, my friend and companion, my constant, and my touchstone. I don’t ever want to let you go._

_I can go to bed tonight, just because I’ve seen you._

_Mulder._

_———————————————————————————————_

_Mulder, Fox Mulder. **  
**_

_I worry about you. I always have._

_I worry as I drive down that familiar gravel road to a house that used to be ours. I leave my car, walk the few steps to the porch, up the stairs, and I stand in the hallway. It’s dark. It’s dark because the light bulb that burned out while I lived there is still burned out, and you’ve been alone in the dark all along. If I hadn’t come, would you still sit in the dark? Would you still be where I left you? Would you be aware of the seasons changing?_

_I tried for so long to save you. It felt like my job to keep you sane, and I wanted to be that person. God knows I tried. I’m just not sure you wanted to be saved - or that you needed saving._

_But I’m here now. I’m here for the challenges that life inevitably will throw at us, I’m here for the memories you and I share, and I’m here to create new ones. I am here for you. I am here if you want me - if you have room left for me. I will carry you if you will carry me. You can’t disappear on me again like all those other times. I’m not made of stone. This heart bleeds too. It has bled. It keeps bleeding for you and for our William._

_If you can bear it, if we can walk down the same road, if we can speak the same language, if you can come back to me again, I am yours._

_Always have been._

_Scully._


End file.
